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| | : TOOLS EXPLAINED | |
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Fairmont_Jeff Admin
Posts : 77 Join date : 2008-11-08 Age : 58 Location : Ontario , Canada
| Subject: : TOOLS EXPLAINED Sun Jan 11, 2009 2:11 pm | |
| TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- ' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us Ed for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need | |
| | | z7turbo
Posts : 243 Join date : 2008-11-16 Age : 54 Location : Toledo, Ohio
| Subject: Re: : TOOLS EXPLAINED Sun Jan 11, 2009 5:55 pm | |
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| | | eignub
Posts : 127 Join date : 2008-11-16 Age : 35 Location : Tucson, AZ
| Subject: Re: : TOOLS EXPLAINED Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:30 pm | |
| hahaha, wonderful. i got most those lying around, especially an over abundance of the damn-it tools | |
| | | bigblockcowboy
Posts : 154 Join date : 2008-11-11 Age : 49 Location : Hinton, Alberta, Canada
| Subject: Re: : TOOLS EXPLAINED Sat Jan 17, 2009 4:12 am | |
| Damn-it tool aka the half inch wrench. I don't know how many I've hurled while cursing, only to curse more on the realization that it was the only one I had left. | |
| | | detroitiron2000
Posts : 320 Join date : 2008-11-08 Age : 61 Location : Bridgman, Michigan
| Subject: Re: : TOOLS EXPLAINED Sat Jan 17, 2009 3:36 pm | |
| Shop Light: Used to illuminate a work area while at the same time presenting an obstacle for your forearm, elbow, hand, and head for avoidance of blisters and hair loss. Also extremely efficient at igniting the oily rag which fell onto the light while removing the oil pan drain plug. Fringe benefits include supporting the development of the ability to extricate one's self from beneath an auto in record time to find the Fire Extinguisher.
Fire Extinguisher: Used to suppress fires created by the Shop Light. Ofter found low on pressure, empty or with a stuck pin. Secondarily used for pushing the flaming Shop Light from under the car where you can then throw more oily rags on it in your attempt to douse the fire. See also Extension Cord.
Extension Cord: Used to bring Almight Electricity from the wall to whereever it is needed (see also Drill Press, Electric Hand Drill, Skil Saw, Belt Sander, Table Saw, Band Saw). Often found lacking in length causing one to either use a second Extension Cord or move the work closer to Almighty Electricity. Most useful for dragging the flaming Shop Light into the driveway to avoid igniting the shop and allowing the neighbors to see just how intellectually challenged you are. See also Almighty Electricity.
Almight Electricity: Used simnply to prove the existence of a higher being as your ass is shot halfway across the drive while pulling on the Extension Cord. | |
| | | Futurama
Posts : 376 Join date : 2008-11-12 Age : 44 Location : ft worth texas.
| Subject: Re: : TOOLS EXPLAINED Mon Jan 19, 2009 2:21 pm | |
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